I groaned at the rude awakening that the sunlight brought. I scrubbed my face with the heels of my hands, wondering how anyone could ever enjoy this hideous bright light. Amy had woken up twice more in the night and my brain’s own renditions of the horrors of the day had only worsened the night’s sleep, leaving me in a foul mood. My fingers quickly began to turn icy in the cold morning air as I pulled myself out of my sleeping bag. I sighed in annoyance at the cold stiffness in my hands that slowed my movements as I did up the buttons of a heavy flannel shirt.
I watched Max as he brought our fire back to life from some of the smouldering coals. The tension of the night before was palpable in his every movement. He was angry. I could tell he was trying to hide it, which was something, I supposed. What frustrated me was his unwillingness to communicate about Amy. Maybe I am in the wrong. I thought. Amy is his daughter after all. Was I being too pushy? Oh please let that not be the case. I rubbed my face with my hands again, feeling the beginnings of a headache in my forehead. Just as I opened my eyes, I caught Max glancing at me. He turned his attention back to the fire, his eyes, the only telling feature of his face, unreadable. I walked over and sat on the ground a couple of feet to his left.
“Max?” I began softy. “I am sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to push too hard about Amy. She’s your daughter, and if I crossed a line, I am very sorry.”
Max’s attention shifted from the fire to my face. His demeanour softened slightly, “Thank you.” He responded quietly, absently twisting one of the beads of his “Dad” bracelet as he spoke. “I am trying so hard to be a good father, but-” his voice broke slightly, his face contorting in a pained expression, “- but its been so difficult to do it alone. I think that Amy is traumatized at losing her mother and from the horrible stalking situation and I have been doing my best -.” His voice broke again and he placed his head in his hands. “I just feel like such a terrible father. She seems so broken, between the nightmares and the shell she’s hiding in all of the time. She was so happy before, and now I’m so afraid she will be like this forever.”
I blinked. This was definitely not how I had expected this conversation to go.
“Hey,” I whispered, moving to kneel beside him, “none of this is your fault. Besides, not only are you surviving, but you are actually trying to make a good life for Amy.” I took his hand in mine. He looked up, seeming surprised. “We survived, Max. I am not sure if I count that as a good thing, but we need to figure out how to live with it anyway. We need to figure out how to live again and there’s no how-to, no rule book. Everything has been destroyed and we are part of who puts the pieces back together.” Max was staring down at our hands. Slowly, he slipped his other hand into my free hand. “So,” his voice low and careful, “we do this together?” He met my eyes and this time, I could read his clearly. They were earnest, focused on what I had to say.
“Yeah, together.” I smiled.
As Amy began to stir, I left the fire to pack our gear while Max began making breakfast. As I stuffed the last of my sleeping bag into its outer sack, I saw two little feet appear in front of me. I looked up, studying the girl. Her whole demeanour screamed of exhaustion. She stood slumped, the dark circles under her pretty blue eyes, causing them to look dim and lifeless.
“Hey,” I started quietly, “What’s up?”
“I’m cold.” Her words came in a whisper. She looked down, scuffing the toe of her shoe on the ground.
“Well good thing we found you a jacket to bring.” I smiled as I unzipped my backpack, pulling the jacket out. “Here, would you like help getting it on?” I asked as I held it up for her. She nodded, still looking at the ground. I complied, carefully helping her slip her arms in and then zipping it up, leaving a little space at the top so it was not too tight around her neck. “Good to go?”
Amy gave me the tiniest of smiles, “Good to go.” She whispered.
My heart squeezed as I thought about what Max had said earlier. A resolution formed within me. I would help them in any way I could. They were all the family that I had now.
It was afternoon when we caught our first glimpse of the city near which we hoped to make our new home. We had reached the city limits just as the sun began to set, painting the sides of the skyscrapers a brilliant golden. I almost laughed out loud at how apocalyptic the city looked with its overgrown trees and shrubs. Vines had even begun to wrap their way around signs and buildings. Seeing it all in the light of the sunset gave it an even more surreal feeling. The broken glass of windows reflected the light strangely, causing dozens of points of sparkling, bright light throughout the scene.
Considering that it was already nearly dark, we decided to make camp for the night in one of the houses on the outskirts of the city and continue our exploration around it the next day. We made a wide berth around the first of the outermost houses, which had dirt falling away at its foundation. We continued walking along the edge of the city towards another house which was several hundred metres away from the others. Its blue siding stood out, making the light greys and cream-like colours of the other houses look dull by comparison. It had a low, overgrown hedge surrounding its moderately-sized yard, the long grass of which was being invaded with wildflowers and ferns. A worn, dirt trail led to a front porch with many of its railings loose or falling off. Its front stairs did not look to be in much better condition. The front door was a striking dark blue and classically flanked by windows on either side. After carefully circling the house to make sure there were no sinkholes starting, Max climbed up onto the porch where the rail had collapsed. I lifted Amy up to him, after which he reached down to help me up. He held onto my hand as I turned to enter the house. I glanced back at him and his eyes had an intense expression.
“We’ll go through the whole house, slowly and carefully.” He said in a low voice, “You keep a hold of Amy, and I’ll go in front.”
I nodded, my whole body tense. What if there were people in there? What if they hurt Max or Amy? I couldn’t lose either of them. I realized, a sickening wave of desperation washing over me.
The dark windows loomed with an eerie emptiness. Once, they would have been visions into moments of peoples’ lives. A year ago, people passing by on the street could have seen friends having dinner, parents could have looked out to watch their children play in the dirt. Now, these glass panes stood as dark abysses – mere reflections of lives lost in tragedy.
Max touched the tips of his fingers to the door, cautiously pushing it open. Slowly stepping inside, we saw what was once living room. Max led us around the house clock-wise, revealing three bedrooms, a couple of bathrooms, and kitchen in the two story house. We searched the house carefully for any signs of life, but the entire place looked as though it had been undisturbed for months, save for some small animals and insects.
Once we felt confident that no one was lurking in the house, we stopped back in the living room, looking at each other. To my complete shock, Amy was smiling up at us,
“Can we stay here? I like the blue walls on the outside.”
Max was beaming, all the stress and strain having washed away from his face,
“I think this would be the perfect place for us to make our home.” His eyes met mine, “Katherine?” I could not help but smile as relief flooded my body, a sense of peace taking the place of what had been tension and fear.
“I completely agree.”
Amy wrapped her arms around my waist in a bear hug. I hugged Amy back and in the same moment, looked up at Max who smiled as he stepped forward to envelope us both in his wide embrace. I laughed a nervous, almost involuntarily laugh which quickly gave way to tears. Max pulled back and Amy looked up.
“What’s wrong, Katherine?” Amy chirped.
I laughed, smiling through my tears.
“It’s nothing.” I assured her, also meeting Max’s concerned gaze to assure him that I meant it.
“I’m just so happy to have a home.” I wiped my face with both hands, feeling a very complete exhaustion settling in. “I thought I would have to live alone the rest of my life, but you both-“ I let out a shaky breath. “You are like a new family for me.”
Max’s eyes were brimming with tears as he looked at me. Amy threw herself against me again,
“I love you, Katherine. I hope we get to live here together forever!”
“Agreed.” Max smiled gently, steadily, at me.
My stomach flipped at that. What did he mean? I wondered, Did he simply mean he is happy to live here, or is he trying to tell me he loves me? By the way Max was looking at me, I felt suspicious that it was the latter option.
We immediately began to prepare to sleep in the house, as by this time, it had become dusk. Max placed a large armchair in front of the door, since the lock no longer worked, and we decided to all sleep on the living room floor for the first night. It was a more comfortable sleep than we had gotten for days. The the house, even without any heat source, offered a buffer to the cold October nights, and blessedly, Amy only woke up once from a nightmare. I, on the other hand, could not get the image of the man who had died on the bridge the day before, out of my head. Over and over I saw the landslide tear the bridge to pieces and felt the horror of knowing that the man was on it. Every time I closed my eyes I could see it – hear it. When I finally did sleep, it was interrupted by the same horrifying scene, waking me from my sleep. The shadows of the unfamiliar room terrified me in my semi-conscious state. Cowering, I slid as far as I could into my sleeping bag, my eyes wide, as if they had been pried open by fear itself.